On My Way

Hi, my name is JJ. I have done a lot of work to come out, to figure out who I am and what I am capable of over the past several years; to figure out what labels I claim for myself and what ones were assigned to me by others. But my queer identity isn't the only one that seems to have been growing and changing. I have learned I have autism as well. And being on that spectrum as well as realizing I am nonbinary and on the Ace spectrum, I realized that I still have so much to learn about myself. So many things to figure out. Ways to grow and learn. 

My whole life I have struggled with feeling not enough. Not good enough. To belong. To be respected. To be loved. But part of what I learned through trying to understand my autism is that I also struggled with feeling like I was too much. Scared to take up too much space. Scared to be my full self because I felt it was too much for people to handle. I shrunk down. I stayed silent. And when I did try to achieve things, I didn't feel like I was being understood. Or seen. I felt like all the accomplishments weren't my own. That I was striving to be deemed worthy. Worthy of acceptance. Worthy of friendship. Worthy of love. I needed to do things to earn that worthiness. And when I inevitably failed, I would be too scared to try again. But worse, was that if I did succeed at the things I attempted (becoming a 2nd Degree Black Belt in Tang Soo Do, or a self published author, or any myriad of other things), I still never felt it was enough. Or that I was enough.

I have done a lot of work to get through these feelings. To eliminate toxic people from my life who continued to make me feel this way. To appreciate and love who I am. All that I am. The queer, nonbinary, demisexual autistic ME. The me that I have worked so hard to know and understand. To have others know and understand. And the me that I am continuously becoming or growing into. 

So now, I have decided that I want to do all the things I always wanted to try. For me. I am not sharing my journey with you for your approval. Or because I am doing things for anyone other than myself. I plan to spend the next year doing things I have always wanted to try. This is my year of becoming. And I am choosing to celebrate my journey with you, if you want to follow along. If you want to see who I am and who I can be when I am living for me.

It started out with a talk with my cousin about starting the 75 Hard Challenge. And yes, I plan to do that. I want to get back in shape and eat better. But in changing my lifestyle and mindset, I figured this is the best time to make a list of all the things I always wanted to do and actually do them. Big or small. Meaningful or silly. So that's what I'm going to do.

Here's my list:

Take Blacksmithing classes so I can learn to make a sword.

Learn to play guitar. I especially want to be able to play Peace by Taylor Swift and To Make You Feel My Love (not sure if I want to cover the Adele or Garth Brooks version though). I will NOT be singing. I know my limits and my dreams and being a singer is not something I can or want to do.

Learn to solve the Rubik's Cube. Someday maybe even blindfolded.

Learn to memorize the order of a deck of cards.

Learn how to use an abacus.

Learn French. So I can actually watch Astrid et Raphaelle without subtitles. And I guess, so I can talk to my two French friends as well.

Write a novel. I would like to participate in NaNoWriMo. But my main goal is that when I do actually write it, to DO something with it. I have too many things I have written that I haven't done anything with afterwards for fear of rejection or because it's too personal and I didn't want to share it.

Be more social in real life. This one is harder for me. So I want to try to join a club. Either a writer's club after I finish writing or a book club because I love to read. 

Submit one of my photos for a photo contest. I've traveled a lot recently and have taken some beautiful landscape photos. I want to share that beauty with people.

These are my plans for now, and I'm sure more will come up throughout the year. I will update regularly here with my progress as I make my way through each of them and share my thoughts about the experiences and my journey. I'm looking forward to the adventure which I plan to start officially on Saturday, September 17th. 

Until then, remember, you are enough. You are valid. You matter. You are loved. And I am glad you exist. 💜